The diary of a dramatic asshole: Kyo Sohma
by OFFICIAL CHOPS WRITING
Summary: The diary of Kyo. A tell all about what he really thinks about Yuki, Akito, and life. Follow him through his days, and learn what Kyo likes and dislikes. Some offensive language and topics Kyo talks about, just so ya know!
1. Fuckin' Mondays

The Diary of a Dramatic Asshole: Kyo sohma 

Monday

Already today it has been a great day…notice the sarcasm in that. That cock-gobbler Yuki was supposed to wake me up, and he forgot! I thought that he was supposed to be the smart one. Goddamn it! I glance in the mirror and what I see makes my eyes fall out and land on the floor. While I am picking up my eyeballs and wiping them off, Yuki comes up behind me. "Oh, good you are up, Kyo. I was just going to wake you up." " Where the fuck were you?! I don't want to hear it if you were at an all night circle-jerk. God! I look horrid! I look like I am wearing your mother's muff on my head!" Yuki is awake now. "My mother's what?!" "You heard me! Your mother's muff!!" Yuki shoves me into the sink. It is on now motherfucker! I shove him back and he trips over my pants that are laying on the floor. "Eat shit!" Yuki rubbed his elbow. "You eat shit!" he shouts back at me. "I am not the one that eats Tohru's cooking!" I shout at him and slam the door in his shit eating face. 

Thank God that I cannot hear his voice through the door. Hearing his voice makes me want to sow my ears shut. I won't give him the satisfaction! Damn rat… Rats! Come to think of it he probably likes to have rats shoved up his ass when he fucks Haru! pause for obnoxious laughter Oh, I love myself. I glance at my watch (which I stole from Yuki). Fuck me! I am late again. I grab my bag and flee the house.

Holy shit on a cracker! I got ready for nothing. I am on my way home, as I have been suspended. Second time this semester. Akito is going to be pissed when he hears about this. This one really wasn't my fault. And no, I am not going to blame cunt-much Yuki. As it just so happens I was peeling down the hallway when that asshole guidance counselor steps out and stops me. He tells me that he "pulled me over" ( I wasn't even fuckin' driving!! Moron…) because I was running in the halls and that I have to change my hair color. It is not "accepted" here at school. I told him that it was my natural color and he told me that I was a shitty liar. The inhumanity. Me? A shitty liar?! Come on. Well, I lose my temper and tell him that he can blow it out his ass and that I would rather go home than have to change my color for such a low-life uneducated piece of vermin. That is when he tossed me out of the school doors and told me that I could come back when I learned how to talk out of my mouth, not my ass and dyed my hair to a natural color. 

That guy can suck on it! I am not changing it. He has to get all county because he cannot have sexy hair like me. Oh, I just realized that Yuki will never let me hear then end of this, Now I will have to live with his bullshit as well as Akito's. "I must have been an asshole in a past life." I just has to say that out load. Yuki heard it while he was out for a walk before his class began. "You are an asshole now. How could you have been one in a past life? Oh, that's right. I forgot that you were a cat. Let me do some math here…so you have had at least nine chances to fuck it all up." I take a swing at him, but my fist makes contact with the pole of the fence, not his head. He walks away laughing while I am on the group rolling around in pain. Some day I am going to kill that motherfucker! 

And to put the topping on the cake, I have been grounded. Not for the shit that I pulled at school, Akito has not caught wind of that yet. Anyway, I am in trouble because I was caught smoking on the roof and I accidentally set fire to some shit. This was not my fault either! Here I was sitting on the roof having a smoke, not in the way and that asshole Yuki had to come up on the roof to see what I was up to. Nosey fuck! He sneaks up on me, scared the shit out of me and I drop my fuckin' cigarette. My cigarette rolls off of the roof and sets fire to the bushed below and Yuki's garden. He has smoke blowing out of his asshole, but I see it as an opportune time to add to the flames. I turn to Yuki and smile. "At least it was not your bush that was on fire." He pushes me off the roof. 

God, I hate my life. Maybe I will get hit by a car! Now that is some positive thinking!


	2. A hole in my head would do me some good

The Diary of A Dramatic Asshole: Kyo Sohma

Tuesday

My thanks goes to the Sopranos, where I got some of my ideas to put into this story. The Fag Bar joke is from the show and therefore I give them all the credit for it. 

Goddamn! I have gone and done it. My plan to get hit by a car did not go over so well, so now I am sitting in the guidance counselor's office at school. Why the hell did I try to get hit after school? I should have done it on the weekend, when everyone would be too drunk to notice me. They think that I am crazy and that I really want to die. What the fuck kind of thought is this? I don't want to die until I see Yuki six feet in the ground. After I see that I will gloat for about a year and then go off and do God knows what. But as long as he is still alive, I will be too goddamn it! The counselor is outside talking to Yuki. That piece of shit will give her all the dirt of me and I will be locked inside the rubber room for the rest of my life. I glance through the window in the door and I see Yuki smirk at me. Yep. He is still mad about the "mother's muff" comment that I made the other day. Why can't he get over his period and forgive me? It was only a joke. PMS is really a bitch I guess. Speaking of bitches….Haru is supposed to come over this weekend. Maybe I will be locked up this weekend so I will not have to deal with all of his shit! Hot fuck! Now all I need to do is work my magic. 

That bitch didn't buy it! She told me that I was bullshitting her and that she would nee to re-evaluate me on Monday, but they would be putting me in anger management because of my anger issues. What anger issues? What did that asshole tell her? I'm gonna find out when I get home. I will have to write later, they say that they are going to give me some type of sock treatment for my anger. That sounds like fun. NOTHING CAN SCARE ME! I AM KYO SOHMA!

Later

I guess I was wrong. It was not fun and it did scare me. It scared me so bad that I shit my pants. Too bad all of my pants are in the laundry to be washed. I guess that will have to borrow a pair of Dukie's I mean Yuki's pants. Let's see here. Gay. Gay. Hippy. Extra Gay. Ass-Rape me pants. Holy Christ! Doesn't he have any normal pants around here? I bet my left nut that he probably has a skirt in here! Oh my Lord in Heaven!! Yuki doesn't just have a skirt….he has three dresses, two skirts, fourteen pairs of high heels and thirty-two lace thongs. I think that I need to go and lie down. This was too much excitement for one day. Ya know what? Maybe Yuki is gay! Yeah…before I was just going off a theory, but now I think that I have a little evidence to support my claim. Goshers, I am wonderful. I love me. Fuck laying down. Yuki just got home and I want to try and see if I can get him to admit to his anal pleasures. shudders at the thought

"Hey Yuki. Whistle in any wheat fields lately?" I ask him.

He glared daggers at me and raises and eyebrow.

"What are you talking about?"

"So uh, were ya down south of the boarder where the tuna fish play?"

"Goddamn it! Just ask me like a human being. I have had enough of you hijinx for one day. Give it a rest already."

"Hmp. You are no fun. Forget it. You obviously are a dullard. I'll talk to you when you have had enough time to grow a brain."

"Yes well. You come back and talk to me when you have had time to grow some balls."

Yuki walks off leaving me utterly speechless. Can he even say that?! I don't know, and I am not going to bother to find out. I have bigger things to attend to. Who can I get to help me figure out if Yuki is gay? Hmm. Think Kyo think…I know! I'll ask Haru to help. Even though I hate him, he can come in handy from time to time, and best of al he pals around with Yuki a lot. I will just call him and tell him to go and spy on Yuki for a bit and report back to me at the end of the night, That sounds like a good idea.

Now if you will excuse me, Pussy Palace is on and I do not intend to miss it.


	3. Drowning is not what it used to be

The Diary of a Dramatic Asshole: Kyo Sohma

Wednesday

I am upstairs in my room thinking about what Yuki said to me the other day. 'Come and talk to me when you have grown some balls.' Hmp. Holy fuck! What if Yuki wants me to grow some balls so that he can have them? What if he wants to put them in his trophy case? What a sick fuck! I am gonna go see what he is up to.

My eyes! My beautiful eyes. I guess that I am too curious for my own good. I walked in there and there was Yuki on the bed (which is in plain sight from the door way, by the way) and he is waxing his carrot! He looks at me and winks. I slam the door and flee to my bedroom. I think that I am going to have a heart attack! Hold that thought Haru is calling me on my cell. Be back in a flash.

Haru's phone call brought me more dirt than I could have ever dreamed to have gotten. Well, I could look in his diary, but I don't want to waste my precious time peddling though his shit. I have better things to do with my time, like finish that two-way mirror in the girl's locker room. That is going to be a treat when that is done. Anyway! Back to the phone call…

"Yuki was spotted in a fag bar and he was dancing with a guy from our school. The one that has the nipple rings and the red hair."

"What were they doing, Haru?" 

"They were um, how do I put this? He was sucking on his neck like he would an ice cream cone. It was like watching you eat an ice cream cone outside of Dairy Queen."

I am too sickened to even comment at the remark that he made about me. What the fuck is this world coming to? I thought that he was gay, but this makes it worse! All the kinky sex he must have when I am out….and think of all the dildos he must have in his bedroom! That is just sick. I think that I need to go and throw up now..

On my way to the bathroom to throw up I hear splashing out in the backyard. Fuckin' Shigure wanting to put in a pool. What a retard. I glance out the window to see Yuki out drowning in the pool. I laugh for a second until I realize that he has a brick tied around his ankle. Fuck that! How dare someone try to kill him. That is my goal in life! I fly down the stairs and fish Yuki out of the pool. By the time that I do this he is a light shade of blue. "OH SHIT! YUKI IS DEAD!! OH HELL! MAYBE HE IS NOT DEAD. I KNOW WHAT I WILL DO. I WILL GIVE HIM MOUTH TO MOUTH!" I press my lips against Yuki's and I am about to blow air into his lungs when a hand comes and presses me closer to Yuki. Yuki's tongue is somehow in my mouth. I connect two and two. "HOLY SHIT! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" I push Yuki away, and take a mouthful of pool water, gargle for a second and then I spit it out in the bushes. "What the fuck, Yuki?" I ask him and all he can do is smile at me. I feel my inner rage building up. He better have a good excuse or I am going to knock his fuckin' teeth out. Yuki can sense my anger and he blushes. "Don't be angry Kyo, please?" I lose my temper and I shove him to the ground. "You sick piece of shit!" I yell in his face; this is a mistake as, Yuki leans up and kisses me. I fall backwards and vomit into the bushes. Yuki gets up and saunters away like nothing happened.

What a sick little bastard. He fakes a suicide just so he can kiss me. That cock juggler is creative, I'll give him that much. And that is all that I am going to give him!


	4. Malomars and diaries get me off

THE DIARY OF A DRAMATIC ASSHOLE: KYO SOHMA

THRUSDAY

Today I was sitting on my bed looking out the window just thinking, when the thought crossed my mind that Yuki wants to fuck me. I am not sure that this is the truth, but I have to get to the bottom of it. I have to get into his fag palace and see what he has written about me in his "precious thoughts book". But first I have to make sure that Yuki is not at home. I can't go and check his bedroom to see if he is there. Shigure is out at some novelist thing, but I really know that it is a hand job convention. Tohru might know is the Twinkie Tickler is at home.

"Tohru, is Yuki home?" I call down the stairs to her. Less than a second later she appears at my door as if I called her to come up here and give me a blow job. That would be nice though…"What did you need Kyo?" She asks me. "A blo-um, I wanted to know if Yuki was home." Fuck. That was fuckin' quick thinking here. That stupid shit-eating grin spreads across her face like Akito's eyebrow. "No, he went out today. He said that he had something to do with Haru."

A horrifying mental image clouds up my mind. Yuki is naked who is on top of Haru (who is always naked by the way) and he is petting him. "Wanna, moo for me big boy?" Yuki rubs his hands down Haru's back. "I'm gonna make you squeak like the rat you are." Haru is now on top and his hands are wandering and - "Holy fuck!" I stumble back. Tohru rushes over to me to see if I am alright. Physically I am fine, but mentally I am scarred for life. How could that creep into my mind like this? I think that I will have to increase my medication and security to the entrance to my mind. "Kyo! Are you okay? What happened?" Tohru checks to see if I have a fever. "I will be fine. Why don't you go and make me a sandwich. You know what I would like to go with that? I would like some Malomars to go with that." She looks at me as if I have nine fuckin' heads. "They are fuckin' cookie things! Drag your ass down to the store and pick me up a box of Malomars to go with my sandwich." I go to my room and slam the door. 'What the fuck was I doing?' I lost my train of thought I got so pissed off about the fuckin' Malomars. 'Oh, yeah, I was going to Yuki's room to see if he wants to fuck me.' Heh, everyone wants a piece of this fine alley cat. But that mouse is not gonna get a taste of the milk this alley cat has.

I open the door a inch and peek out to see if Tohru is still here. I don't see her anywhere so I press my ear to the opening to listen. Silence. Perfect. I slip out of the door silent and smooth. I crack open Yuki's door and slip inside. "Wow. He sure has the collection of shit in here." I sneak over to the bed and lift up the pillow to look for the diary. It's not there…hmm. If I was a fag where would I hide my diary. I'll check the mattress. That is where I hide my journal. I cut a hole in the mattress and I slipped the little fucker inside. Ain't nobody going to find that. I check the mattress out and there is no holes in it at all.

I spot the desk next to the desk. If I didn't have my journal inside my mattress, I would hide it my desk. That would be a little difficult, as the two drawers are filled with Hustler magazines. Back to Yuki. The first two drawers are empty. The last one has to have the fuckin' gold in it. He locked the fuckin' thing. He probably has the key in his pants and if I want to get it I will have to reach in his pants to get it. Fuck that! I don't want to read it that badly. Ok, I do. But I am not reaching in his pants to get the key. There has to be another way. My cat claws! I use a nail to pick the lock on the drawer. Hot fuck it opened. "What do we have here? Property of Yuki Sohma. Private to not read." I snort with laughter. Like fuck, I am going to observe this.

I open up the diary and flip through a few of the pages until something catches my attention. "Monday July 7, Today Kyo came home drunk again. I wish that he would get drunk with me or just spend a little time with me. I don't hate him, I just think that he is an obnoxious prick. He was vomiting all over the place. I went to check on him, as he was in the bathroom for a long time. When I opened the door he had his head in the toilet. His hair was in the toilet water, it was disgusting." I tear my eyes away from the page. That was a good fuckin' night.

"Saturday July 20, Today I saw Kyo pressed up against the wall at school, trying to get away from the kids who wanted to see if orange was his natural hair color. I wish that Tohru was pressed up against me like that. Kyo too." What the fuck is this shit?! Have my eyes deceived me? Well, as long as he wants to get some pussy, I guess the guy is okay in my book. I may not be into banging guys, but I think that I bring him to a few parties. I close the diary and place it back where I found it and begin to exit the room.

While leaving the room I notice that every inch of the wall is coated in posters, there is one poster that really catches my eye. "This bitch it hot!" I rip the poster off the wall and bring it to my bedroom. Hey I need something to get off to, ya know. I must go, Tohru has just informed me that my Malomars are here!!


	5. Personal Planners piss me off

THE DIARY OF A DRAMATIC ASSHOLE: KYO SOHMA

FRIDAY

I have pie today so it is a good day, but other than that my l life is slowly slipping into the sewer lines. Reading Yuki's diary only confused me more. He likes me, but he doesn't like me. How am I supposed to be able to taunt him about it, if I can't figure out what the fuck he is saying? It is like having a girlfriend, but not being able to fuck her! Okay, I got a little ahead of myself here…that would be far worse then that. Well, he is going out again tonight, so I guess I will have a chance to sneak another peek at his diary. Hooray! But first, I have to find out who he is going out with. My money is on Haru again.

Me: Who are you going out with? Is it anyone that I know?

Yuki: Nobody that you know. Anyway why does it even matter to you?

Me: Oh, no reason. I just wanted to see if you were going out with that cunt from student council.

Yuki: You are so vulgar.

Me: Thanks!

I see that I am not going to get any more information out of him so I hurry upstairs. When I hear that he is going out to his garden that gives me the green light to go and root through Yuki's daily planner. That fuck locked his bedroom door. Delayed but not stopped. I think that I have a hair pin in my pocket. Hot fuck! I do have one! Within a few seconds that door is unlocked and I am inside of Yuki's room. My eyes are glued to the newest poster that he has put up. Lil' Kim…Nice! Oh, shit what was I here for? Oh, yeah, dick-holes' planner. I find it sitting on the desk open today's date. Out with Haru for lunch. I knew it! HE IS FUCKING HARU IN SECRET! THOSE TWO ASSHOLES! HOW DARE THEY KEEP A SECRET FROM ME! Then I look down a little farther, and it reads, Pick up birthday gift for Kyo. Me? Why the hell would he get me a gift? My eyes spin around in my head thinking of all the reasons. I rush out of Yuki's room before I have a heart attack in there and he catches me diggin' through his shit.

LATER

Well that was a bust. I only found out something that I already knew. Yuki is doin' Haru, nothing new there. Maybe the way that they are going it is new, but I do not intend to find out. I would like to keep the little sanity that I have. Speaking of which, I wonder what's for dinner. I am so hungry I could eat my fuckin' used drawers. I don't feel like going downstairs so I call Tohru on her cell phone.

"What the fuck is there to eat here? I am so hungry it feels like I am living in Ethiopia!"

"Kyo, dinner will be ready in five minutes."

"What is for dinner?"

"Leeks, green onions, rice and chicken."

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?! I am going to end up eating Yuki later!"

That came out wrong. I have to fix it. Shit!

"I mean, I will have to go and eat someone!"

"Whatever you say Kyo."

"Goddamn right!"

With that I slam my phone shut. Goddamn her! Trying to twist around what I said. The miserable scheming bitch! OOH! Hot shit dinner is ready. I hope that I don't have to eat the coffee table later.

…..

Well at least dinner didn't suck! When Yuki left to answer his cell phone I wolfed down the rest of his chicken and rice. Fuck him! Let him starve. He looks anorexic anyway. Dessert was great too, and I usually don't doll out compliments like they are free. It was s'mores and best of all I got marshmallow in Yuki's hair. That was the highlight of my evening. No watching him try to get it all out was the best part.

When he is gone there is nothing for me to do, but sit and lolly gag around the house. I wonder where Tohru is with my popcorn…lazy asshole. Then I hear the door to the tv room open up and there she is standing there wearing whipped cream holding my popcorn bucket. My eyes fall out of my head and roll around on the carpet.

"What the fuck are you wearing?"

"Something special, just for you."

"Is this what took ya from bringin' me my fuckin' popcorn?"

"I thought that you liked whipped cream."

"I do! Just not on your skanky ass!"

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"You fucked Shigure! Don't you lie to me bitch. I have a video tape."

"Oh that silly thing? Kyo, that was a joke. I just wanted to piss you off. I really don't like Shigure."

"Oh! Well, I guess I like the whipped cream then."

"Too late, Kyo."

She throws my popcorn bucket at me and stomps out of the room. What did I do to be treated like this? I replay the conversation in my head and I find nothing that would earn me this kind of treatment. Huh. Must be PMS. Yuki gets like that when he is on the rag. Well, now that I am popcorn less and I have missed important plot points in the movie that I was trying to watch, I guess I can go and look through Yuki's shit again.

His door is unlocked when I try the handle. SCORE! Whoot whoot! Another point for me; shit Shigure is coming! I guess I will have to come back another time.


	6. Hot bitches at the mall

The diary of a dramatic asshole: Kyo Sohma

CONTAINS ADULT LANGUAGE, ADULT SITUATIONS, POSSIBLE JOKES ON RACE AND RELGION. BUT AGAIN PEOPLE. THIS IS ONLY FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND I DO NOT MEAN THIS PERSONALLY. IF YOU DO NOT CARE FOR THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL YOU DO NOT HAVE TO READ THIS STORY/ JUST DON'T LEAVE NEGATIVE COMENTS ON THIS PIECE. (OR ANY OF MY PIECES) I AM NOT OUT TO OFFEND, BUTR TO MAKE LIFE A LITTLE EASIER WITH MY JOKES AND MY HUMOR

Today I went to the mall with Haru. I thought that it was going to suck, but it didn't turn out so bad. I actually had an okay time. You know those department stores? Well, yeah diary we went into one of them just to kill time before the movie we were going to see started. We were glancing around to see if there was anything that we wanted to buy when this hot woman caught my eye.

Me: Check this shit out, Haru!

Haru: What? Is it one of the 'hoes' that you told me about the other night Kyo?

Me: Yeah. That same type of woman. Look over there! Isn't she one fine piece of ass?

Haru: Yeah she is! You really know how to scope the babes, don't you Kyo?

Me: Uh-huh. That is all I ever have time to do. That and a few other things. I'll show you my time chart when we get home.

Haru: Should we go and see if she would like to go to a movie with us?

Me: Now you are fuckin' talkin' my language!

We head over to where the woman is standing in the ladies section of the store We get there to find out that she is a mannequin.

Haru: Aw, shit, Kyo. She's not real!

Me: So? When has that ever stopped you before? You'd stick your dick in a fence post if you weren't afraid of getting splinters. We can still fuck her.

Haru: Here?

Me: No! Goddamn it! We will have to take her home with us. We can't just rip her skirt off and nail her right here!

Haru: How are we going to get her out of here without being caught?

Me: I don't know. I guess we will have to wait until the mall closes. We will have to sneak back in, grab her and get the fuck out of here. Well, before we go we can at least grab a quick glance at her crotch.

Haru: You really are the man, Kyo! You have the best ideas.

Me: That I do, that I do.

Me and Haru both are about to look up the skirt of the mannequin when Yuki walks up and catches us in the act

Yuki: What the hell are you doing?!

Me: Uh, I…I was helping Haru find his contact that he lost. Yeah, that's it.

Yuki: Haru doesn't wear contacts, Kyo.

Haru: I know I don't! It is a contact of a friend of mine. Ya, see I let him borrow my jacket. He had to take his contacts out because they were irritating him, and he put his contacts in his case which he put in the pocket of my jacket. He forgot that he had put the case in there when he gave my jacket back to me and I was unaware of it until I reached into my pocket to get my cell phone, grabbing the case by accident and dropping it out of shock. I called…him to tell him that I had found his contacts in my jacket pocket.

Yuki: Whatever. It's not like I really care or anything.

Haru: Really? Oh well, it that case we were trying to sneak a quick glance at the mannequin's crotch.

Me: What the fuck, Haru? Why did you tell him that?!

Yuki: You sick fucks!! How could you?

Me: I don't see a problem with it. Come on go ahead and look. We won't tell anyone. Oh yeah, I forgot that you are gay.

Yuki: I am not gay.

Me and Haru: You're not?!

Yuki: Yeah, I am bisexual. It depends on my mood when I get up in the morning.

Me; Okay, I can see that.

Yuki: I guess that I could take a quick glance. After all it is not hurting anybody.

Just as Yuki is about to look up the skirt a security guard walks by seeing what we are doing. Thinking that we are going to fuck the doll in the store, he tosses us out and tells us that we are not allowed back into the store for a week

What the fuck is this? I am not allowed to see my woman for a week! All because of that goddamn Yuki. ROT IN HELL YUKI!


End file.
